I haven’t been blogging much, ever since finding out one of my step parent’s passed away. I’ve been feeling pretty down and not reaching out to many people, over the past two weeks. On top of that, yesterday was the last day of class and I have two take home exams I need to complete before this week is over. My mind and emotions have been all over the place, understandably. I do notice however that i’m starting to come back around. Instead of intense sadness and feeling lost, I feel more neutral. I’ll take neutral over deep sadness any day. I know it will take a long time to feel completely back to normal, but I’ll get there.
That’s why I am sharing this quote with you all. No matter how down you are feeling, how much pain you have, you will get through it. You have to try and stop worrying about the future or the outcome of a situation. When I saw my therapist last week, I told her I’m afraid to try and feel happy or even laugh, because it feels wrong. Should I be laughing after my step dad passed away? Should I even try to live in the moment and smile, if I want, when I know that soon we will have to bury him? Her response was: “Do not try and control your feelings just because something bad or sad is going to happen again, soon. Making sure you remain sad will only do more damage. Live in the moment and if something makes you laugh or makes you happy, then live in that moment. When time comes to attend the funeral/burial, then you live in that moment and feel the love and sadness that will take over, but do not try and control it every single day.”This made sense, because forcing myself to stay in a sad place isn’t healthy for me or good for my family. So slowly I have been reaching out a little more to family and friends and I have laughed and smiled if the moment calls for it. I’m feeling a bit more at peace, although there is still a feeling of loss. I know the burial is coming soon and it has me nervous and anxious, but I’m trying to not think of it and just deal with it when the day comes.
We have to remind ourselves to just breathe. It may seem difficult to do so, but things will get better. It takes time, but it will. Remember that you are still here. You have survived everything going on in your life. You can do this. If you feel you cannot, then reach out to someone and explain to them how you are feeling. I was keeping my emotions to myself too much since his passing, until I opened up to my mom and husband. I was told I can always go to them when I’m feeling sad. No matter when or what time of day, I can call them and cry. I can go into the room (for my husband) and just talk to him. This helped a lot. Sometimes we tend to keep to ourselves because we don’t want to “burden” anyone. I know I didn’t want to call my mom crying, knowing the pain she is in. But that’s what family is for. They are there for you, the same way you are there for them.
Please do not lose hope. If we continue worrying and panicking about the things to come, we will never be at peace. Trust me I know this because I have yet to find my peace, but I am slowly learning. It really does take a lot of time and effort on our part, to find our peace. We cannot expect it to come from anyone else but ourselves.