For all of you who live with Anxiety, Depression or any other form of Mental Illness, have any of you gone through Dissociation or Depersonalization? I was pretty sure that I have gone through it before, but what happened to me tonight, makes me think otherwise.
As I was eating dinner with my husband and oldest son last night, memories of that past started to creep in and I felt as if I was there AS I was remembering them. I was in a dark parking lot speaking to my uncle, with my husband. Then I was in my old car, remembering that I had a cassette tape player lol, then my thoughts went to my other car and I was checking the CD player in the trunk of the car. Then memories of past conversations ran through my mind, the feelings of hurt and anger, hearing myself say things I wish I had…when all of a sudden my husband asks me if I like my food. I say huh? and he asks again if I like my food, because I’m staring at it weirdly. Later on he tells me I was sitting off to the side of my chair, almost like I didn’t want to be there, looking at my food and moving it around.
It was such an odd feeling! How was I in my thoughts so deeply but didn’t even realize how long I was staring off into my food? Almost as if I lost time. I told my husband it felt as if I was in a movie of my life. Just one flash of memory after the other. One convo after the other. It was so odd to me, that I just had to come here and tell you guys, and find out if I actually experienced Depersonalization. At first I thought it was Dissociation, but after researching them, I believe it wasn’t.
When looking up the two terms, this is what I found:
What Is Dissociation?
Dissociation refers to being disconnected from the present moment. It is a subconscious way of coping with and avoiding a traumatic situation or negative thoughts.
The process of dissociation usually occurs outside your own awareness though you may also realize it is happening, particularly if it is in the context of anxiety. The experience involves a disconnection between your memory, consciousness, identity, and thoughts.
In other words, while normally your brain processes events (such as your memories, identity, perceptions, motor function, etc.) together, during dissociation, these parts splinter, leaving you with a feeling of disconnection.
Dissociation is a general term that refers to a detachment from many things.
With depersonalization, your mind feels disconnected from your thoughts, feelings, actions, or body. Examples of this include feeling like you are watching a movie about yourself or that you don’t have an identity. Some of the symptoms experienced as a result of depersonalization include the following:2
- Alterations in your perceptions
- Distorted sense of time
- Emotional or physical numbing
- Feelings of yourself being unreal or absent
If you want to read up more, here is the website: https://www.verywellmind.com/dissociation-anxiety-4692760
Please tell me if anyone of you have gone through this, and what you believe it is that I experienced during dinner. I know that I have been very anxious and exhausted today. I am PMS’ing and so my hormones are all out of wack as well!
I hope I get to hear from all of you soon!