My anxiety has been pretty high lately. For the past 2-3 weeks I’ve noticed I’m going to bed later and later. My mind races and I feel uneasy. When I feel that way, I don’t bother getting myself into bed because I feel too bothered. This is becoming an issue however, because I’ve been waking up later to take my son to school, which means we have to rush more than usual. I hate being in a rush early in the morning. It’s not how I like to start my mornings and I especially hate for my son to start his day off that way. I miss waking up early and happy. We’d be able to take our time, chat, laugh and enjoy our walks to school. Now I feel tired and cranky and more exhausted because I try to cover up my crankiness so I don’t ruin my son’s morning.
I’m a person who does not hate anyone and I try not to even use the word hate, but I can tell you that I hate anxiety with a passion! It just knows exactly how to catch me off guard and ruin my days. It knows exactly how to get the best of me. Despite the anger I have towards anxiety, I still have to force myself to keep going. I have to slap on a smile and calm myself, especially around loved ones, because it isn’t fair to them to see me break. It isn’t fair to make them feel bad or ruin their mood. Sometimes it feels like such a burden. Many times I wonder “what’s the point of even telling them what I’m feeling?” As much as people may begin to understand why I feel a certain way, they will never fully grasp the emotion behind it. They will never understand the pain that goes into feeling anxious, especially when you have no clue why you even feel a certain way! Even when they feel they can comprehend, they go and take things you say the wrong way or interpret what you’re saying completely wrong. God it’s exhausting…
I’m so over these emotions. I just pray for peace. Every single day I pray for strength to keep fighting this battle and I know that eventually it will get easier. It just feels tough when these long bouts of anxiety come about. Until then though, I have to just keep on trying. So from now on, I’ll set my alarm for earlier and put my phone far from my bed. Maybe I can lay in bed even when I feel uneasy and see if my body sucumbs to the exhaustion. Even when I’m not feeling sleepy, maybe laying in bed doing some guided meditation would help. Something has to give!
I won’t give up though…even when it seems so easy to do so, I won’t. I have people who depend on me and I won’t fail them. I can’t. Just like I can’t fail myself.