I’m finding it very difficult to feel motivated again. I’ll be home and I just don’t know what to do with myself. Besides taking care of my son and playing with him through out the day, I feel like there is something missing. I’ve started thinking AGAIN, about going back to work. My son will start school in September, and I figured I can get a part time job for now. Then I wonder, what if my friend is no longer able to babysit for me? I know it won’t be worth paying for daycare, being that they are so expensive; but on the other hand, it’s worth it because I need time to grow as a person, and interact with people in society again! Once that goes through my head, I start to feel really nervous about going back to work. Speaking to new people, possibly not being good at the job I would be hired for. I’m always so hard on myself! I get frustrated that I am not more confident in my abilities.
After I think of possibly going back to work, I start to feel a panic about my son starting school at the end of the year. Will he be safe? Will he like it? Will kids try to bully him? So many things run through my head. I hate that I won’t know what he’s doing all day long. I’m the one who has been home with him for four years. I made the schedule he is on for eating, sleeping, tv, going outside. Not having that control throughout the day is frightening! Although I know he needs school (obviously) and he needs to interact with other children, while I need to interact with adults, its such a scary feeling. I know it will take me a long time to get use to him being away from me and in the hands of his teachers. I pray to God he does well and that my husband & I have taught him well enough to keep him safe, friendly, respectful and attentive.
Being home, feeling so nervous and lost is really starting to get to me. How do I MAKE myself get up and read a new book? How do I stop procrastinating and just start working out, or head to the gym? Why can’t I just stop feeling so nervous and just call up a friend or family member on the phone to chat for a little while? I miss having my own thing. I miss sitting in front of my computer and just typing away! I have so many story ideas but have not been able to get them onto my screen. So many children’s books I want to write and have published. There are so many things I want to do with myself but I always feel like time is limited. I hate being in this funk. I know a lot of people just say GET UP AND DO IT! it just isn’t that easy, when my anxiety gets in the way….
I should make a “Goal” list and each day, accomplish one goal. Maybe if I did ONE thing a day, it will really help me to get started. Maybe I’m thinking too much, about too many things & there is no way I can get things done this way.One goal a day….I’m really going to try this.